


heart's burden

by tooruluvr



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i think ??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29720778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooruluvr/pseuds/tooruluvr
Summary: Hajime looks at him and Issei feels the world fall away. Hajime looks at him, and suddenly nothing matters but this.Issei doesn't know if it's right for him to have this. Still, Hajime is there for him.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Matsukawa Issei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	heart's burden

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iwaoiks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwaoiks/gifts).



> happy (late) birthday!! i love u sm <33

_Why me?_

The question follows Issei everywhere now, like an invisible extension of himself, a little nagging voice at the back of his mind.

_Why me?_

Every night, it lays there, at the tip of his tongue. A breath away from being asked—but the dread is far heavier on him. The regrets that would surely follow are unavoidable.

Still, he wants—no, _needs_ to know. After years of doubt clinging to his shadow, it is now close to consuming him whole. No amount of treasured memories can shake it away, and for that, Issei hates himself. He should be content in this. Confident. He has the best thing to ever happen to him right here, sitting mere meters away, brows furrowed in that way he loves. In that way that makes him want to kiss the little crease in between.

But that’s exactly the problem.

Because Issei isn’t accustomed to good things. Issei isn’t accustomed to happiness— _only_ happiness—with no buts or ifs or loopholes to stab him in the back.

In that way, perhaps it would be accurate to say that Issei is always waiting for disaster.

“Hey...everything okay?”

Issei takes a breath like he’s been caught doing something shameful.

“Yeah, I was just...thinking.”

God, Hajime is too perceptive for Issei’s own good.

Hajime tilts his head just slightly, regards him carefully. Even after all this time, Issei can never get used to the softness in his gaze, to the sureness of his movements. Hajime is beautiful, and large in presence. When he focuses on you, it’s impossible to ignore.

Hajime closes the book he’d been so absorbed in and sets it aside. Issei’s eyes fall on the gold band around his ring finger, and instinctively thumbs his own. It’s been almost a year since their marriage. Issei should be ashamed of how long this question has plagued him.

“About?” Hajime prompts, moving over to join Issei on the sofa. It’s the one that creaks a little under the slightest weight, the one they keep saying they’ll fix but never do.

_Nothing in particular,_ Issei wants to say. _What to make for dinner,_ he wants to say. _How beautiful you look,_ he _really_ wants to say.

Alas, words have never been kind to him.

“I don’t know,” he sighs instead, eyes shifting away from Hajime’s. They’re warm, and filled with curious concern. He wants to know, but he won’t push. Issei adores him for that so much it terrifies him.

Hajime nods slowly, then presses their shoulders together. A silent reassurance; an unspoken _I’m here_. And Issei knows this—more than anything else, he knows _t_ _his_ —it’s just...

_Why?_

“Why what?”

Issei startles; a deer caught in headlights. His cheeks heat up at his sheer, _sheer_ stupidity, that out of all those years he’s spent with this thought within himself, it had decided to slip out of his mouth before he’d even realized. That in the few seconds he’d delved in his thoughts, his body had already worked against him.

“N-Nothing.”

“Issei.” Hajime shifts to face him, the sofa creaking slightly. They should really get that fixed. Who do you call to get your sofa fixed? Why is Issei thinking about his damn sofa _now_?

“Sorry,” Issei says, because it’s all he thinks he can say without messing up. He should have asked him about dinner.

Hajime blinks at him, then laughs a little. “Sorry? For what? Did you do something, hm? Don’t try to hide it, I can see right through you.” His tone is light, playful. Issei would love to tease him back, but Hajime’s last words ring true. _I can see right through you_. That’s precisely what makes this all so terrifying. That Hajime sees, and chooses not to push anyway. That Hajime knows he might be upset about something, but never forces it out of him.

So really, Issei thinks with resignation, what’s the point in even trying to dodge this anymore?

“It’s stupid,” he begins. Hajime doesn’t cut him off, but the frown on his face already suggests his disagreement. “Like, really stupid. But I can’t get it out of my head.” Issei sighs in frustration. “It won’t leave me the fuck alone.”

Hajime puts a hand over Issei’s; squeezes gently. 

“What won’t?” he asks softly.

“...A thought,” Issei says. “A question. I just—” he shakes his head, tries to start over. “I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. I can’t believe that you...of all the people in the world, Hajime, _me_?” 

Hajime’s frown deepens, but now that Issei’s already begun, he suddenly can’t seem to stop.

“I mean, I wake up every morning, and you’re there, in bed, sleeping, and we—we’re actually a _couple_. We’re actually _married_. And every time I wake up to you I can’t believe that any of it is real. Every time I walk into the kitchen and see you making coffee, I think, how the fuck did I get here? How did I get so damn lucky? What possessed you to want to be with _me_ , Hajime?”

“Issei—”

“And I wish they were just small, fleeting thoughts,” Issei continues, his voice bordering on frantic. “But they’re these huge, _loud_ things and they won’t stop coming. Every night before we go to bed, I’m terrified I’ll wake up and find out I’ve been dreaming. That you aren’t real. Or worse, that you _are_ real, but want nothing to do with me.”

Hajime stares at him, his fingers warm and now tighter around Issei’s own. Issei can’t bear meeting his eyes for fear of what he might see in them. He has always loved their various hues of softness; he couldn’t handle seeing anything else.

“...Issei,” Hajime breathes. He doesn’t move, but Issei can feel it; how he tries to reach for him.

“I know,” Issei interrupts. His shame is enough to consume him whole. “It’s stupid.”

“Actually,” Hajime whispers, “I don’t think so.”

With the barest movement, Issei turns his head. He doesn’t know what to make of that, but there is something in Hajime’s voice that draws him in.

“How can it be stupid,” Hajime continues, “if it’s been bothering you this much?”

He is gentle with his words and movement, as he always is, but this time, Issei doesn’t know how to receive it. He doesn’t think he deserves to receive it. And yet there Hajime is, giving it to him anyway.

“But that doesn’t mean that what I feel for you isn’t real,” Hajime says, voice suddenly filled with conviction. “It doesn’t mean that we aren’t real.”

Issei falls silent, lost in the echo of his thoughts and Hajime’s words. It’s hard to accept them, even when he knows that Hajime would never lie. It’s hard to feel like this—a life with Hajime, a life blissfully happy—is an okay thing for him to have.

“I’m sorry about all this,” Issei whispers. There is nothing else he can say, and he hates that. Words never come easy.

For a few minutes, Hajime only presses their bodies together. He holds his hand, thumb rubbing soothing circles over the skin of Issei’s palm. Issei wonders whether he’s upset him.

“Did I ever tell you when I first realized I liked you?” Hajime suddenly says. Issei startles out of his thoughts, looking at him in confusion. He doesn’t say anything, and Hajime takes this as his cue to go on.

“Forever ago,” he begins, lips curving into a wistful smile, “during our third year of high school. I thought I’d shown up pretty early for volleyball practice, so I wasn’t expecting anyone to be in the gym. But I opened the door, and you were there, and I don’t think you heard me at first—you were so focused, trying to toss the ball up at just the right angle, and you had this expression on your face that I’ll never forget.” Hajime looks at him and Issei feels the world fall away. Hajime looks at him, and suddenly nothing matters but this.

“I’ll never forget it,” Hajime repeats. “And then you saw me and asked if I wanted you to toss to me. You said you’d been practising. You said you were definitely not Oikawa, but you could give it a try.” He breathes out a soft laugh. “I don’t know what it was about that moment. But I looked at you, and suddenly I realized, I want him. I really want him.”

Issei releases a shaky breath. Hajime had never told him this before. Hajime had always been open with his affection, but this—Issei had never known this.

The back of Hajime’s neck flushes red. “I never figured out why it was that moment specifically. I thought it was a little silly, but...it just felt right, back then.” His fingers squeeze Issei’s hand tighter. “It still feels right.”

“Hajime, I...” Issei’s voice trails off. Hajime is giving him so much. So much more than what he deserves.

“I’m not saying that it’s bad if you have these thoughts,” Hajime says, like he can read Issei’s mind. “I’m not saying it’s your fault. Because it’s not, Issei. But this?” He smiles at him, and even after all these years, Issei will never get used to that smile. “This is what we worked for, together. We got here together. And I don’t want anyone else to have this. I want _you_ to have it; to have me.”

Silence falls soft and merciful between them. Issei is all out of words, but it must show in his eyes: how his heart aches and aches and aches. Hajime shifts slightly and slips his arms around him, and Issei—slowly, slowly—lets his head rest on his shoulder. Lets his eyes flutter to a close. Lets Hajime run his fingers through his hair, humming softly.

“...I can’t promise these thoughts will stop,” Issei whispers. “I can’t promise there won’t be days when I...when I won’t feel like this.”

“I know, Issei,” Hajime murmurs. “It’s okay. I promise. I know you’re doing your best. I know that you’re always trying.”

_Of course you do_ , Issei thinks. _You’re just wonderful like that_.

Issei doesn’t say it, but he believes Hajime knows what he means anyway. It would be nice if, someday, Issei could be braver.

But for now, this is enough. They are enough.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: [@tooruluvr](https://twitter.com/tooruluvr)


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